Kimbosue's Blog has MOOOOOVED!

**As of November 9, 2009, please find me at my new home below.**

Some posts are pw protected, so for the super secret decoder pen....ahem... code, please email me at kimbosue2 AT hotmail DOT com.

This blog will remain open. The link is still tied to lots of IF blogs, groups, and websites. I hope someone can read through my journey and find hope and strength and know that there is a light at the end of the IF tunnel. Prayer is the key! I love all my IF girlies I met along the way, and I hope to keep your friendships going forward during this next chapter of Mommyhood. I hope to see you there!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Ten Twelve Things Never to Say to Someone Dealing With Infertility

To almost copy from a fellow blogger (welcome to the blogging universe Lupus Pie!), I'm stealing some of her points and adding a few of my own...

People who have not experienced infertility will never understand the emotional, physical, and mental pain us infertiles endure in our quest to parenthood. Some Fertile Myrtles are clueless; others are just plain insensitive. So, for the sake of educating the fertile community (and hopefully providing some much-needed laughs to those of us still struggling with infertility), I/Lupus Pie compiled the following . . .

Ten Twelve Things Never to Say to Someone Dealing With Infertility”:

Note: In order to protect the (not so) innocent, some names and details have been changed.

  1. "I got pregnant the first month with all my kids. Just put on some lingerie and attack your husband when he gets home from work." Nice. Because I don't get enough sex advice from strangers.
  2. "I got pregnant if I just looked at my husband. Oh and it helps when you're having sex like rabbits every day." Right. I know now that it takes more than a "look" to actually get pregnant.
  3. "Just have more sex. That worked for us. We realized we were just off by a day or so every month, so we started having sex every day and got pregnant right away." Right, thanks. I hadn't thought of actually having sex!
  4. From a “friend” who shall remain nameless: “Everything happens for a reason. Maybe you weren’t meant to have children.” Really? Maybe you weren’t meant to have an IQ of 40. Unfortunately, you won’t get any smarter. I, however, will have children.
  5. "I know how frustrating infertility can be. My wife and I tried for FOUR MONTHS before we got pregnant!" Really? FOUR WHOLE MONTHS??! How dreadful! Try 605 days, 7 hours, 22 minutes and 37 seconds!!
  6. Similarly, so many of my girlfriends who tried to get pregnant for 4-6 months: "I know how you feel." You are freakin' kidding me, right??
  7. Lots of people have asked, “So how is the baby thing going? Are you pregnant yet?” Thank you to everyone for your interest in my uterus. I will let you know if and when I become pregnant. In the meantime, it’s kind of a sore subject, so please STOP ASKING!
  8. From my well-meaning girlfriends with kids: "It will happen for you when it's your time. We just had to wait for God to send us the perfect baby for our family. All in God's time." Great theory. But why is it your time again and again, while we never get a shot? Is God punishing me? Is our family not worthy of a baby??
  9. “I don’t know why all you young people feel like you have to run off and take all these fertility drugs. In my day, people just kept at it until they had a kid and that seemed to work just fine.” Well, us “young people” (and if I was truly that young, I don’t think I’d be having these fertility problems, thank you very much) now have the advantage of all the wonderful medical advances that have taken place over the last few decades. Thank goodness for modern medicine (and welcome to 2008!).
  10. "If you decide to adopt, I think you should get a baby from Russia so it looks like you. Those Ethiopian babies are malnourished and will have lots of health problems that may not show up for years." Really? Because white adopted babies never have issues?
  11. "Your husband already has kids, doesn't he? Isn't that enough?" Yes, as a matter of fact he does have 2 GROWN kids and 1 granddaughter, but that still does not change the fact that WE do not have any babies together!!
  12. "Have you tried putting a pillow under your rear after sex so the spermies can swim there faster? Have you tried charting your temperatures? Have you tried cough syrup and baby aspirin? Have you tried not thinking about it? Have you tried relaxing? YES, YES, and YES! Don't you think I have spent HOURS upon HOURS researching online and reading magazines about the topic? And when I'm thinking about NOT thinking about it, it only makes me think of it more!

People can be such morons!

***UPDATE***
We didn't end up having to buy hubby a suit after all. He plays trumpet and used to gig quite a lot. Some of those gigs required a tux, so he owned several. We had thought he had gotten rid of them, but when I got home from work yesterday, there he was standing in the living room in a tux with a t-shirt underneath! Come to find out, we still have 3 of them. All we had to buy was a tuxedo shirt and cuff links. SWEET! This meant the money we were going to spend on a suit, we go to spend on my dress(ES). So I found a really nice blue formal dress and a "perfect little black dress" as the sales lady referred to it. WHEW! I was sweating that I wasn't going to be able to find one in time or that fit. Now it's off to find some recipes for tomorrow and send hubby to the grocery store!

9 nice things to say...:

seussgirl said...

Thanks for visiting my blog!
Can you believe at my first (and only) visit to an RE, her one piece of advice was to have more sex?!? Yeah, I wouldn't have been going back to her.

april said...

For whatever reason, people keep telling me to eat more full fat dairy. Does anyone realize that I don't just want to LOOK pregnant, I want to actually BE pregnant.

I also had a co-worker suggest that I stand on my head for 40 minutes after sex. No pressure.

Kim said...

Ugh! I have no idea what people are thinking sometimes. I have 3 bio boys after years and years of IF treatments and we are now in the process of adopting from South Korea. I get jokes all the time about how I will get pg now. Yep, sending in the application adoption is the missing link that fertility docs around the world have been searching for. The fact that I cannot make a mature egg without drugs, nah that doesn't matter at all. Sign a paper, have a drink, go on vacation - now why didn't I think if that! Good Luck to you! NCLM

seeryusfam@msn.com said...

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that people are idiots. I like the 12 points...very good!

thepromiseofourlove said...

Can you add: But your soo young, just enjoy your life!
(I am not that young by the way)

I am still so jealous about your trip to Alaska :p Take tons of pics!!

DC said...

Glad you liked the list! :)

Naomi said...

number 4 is so something I'd say! gotta love unsoliciated advice. i think sometimes it comes from a place of love, sometimes people want to say something helpful and supportive but don't know the right thing to say, but the large majority of it comes from people who should spend more time with their mouths shut.

Heather Johnson said...

dropping by for NaComLeavMo - Hi!

Great post! I think I've heard just about every one of those myself. If you don't mind, I'm going to link up to your post from one I'm doing next week on the same topic. :)

Busted said...

Wow, it will never cease to amaze me how insensitive people can be when it comes to infertility. Sorry you've had to hear some of those comments.

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